In a perfect world, everyone would plan their own funeral to spare their loved ones the anguish and infighting of trying to plan for them after they’re gone. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world. 

When your loved one passes away, especially if it’s an unexpected death, you may have to scramble to figure out what they would have wanted out of the funeral service. You have to choose the tone of the service, whether that’s somber or lighthearted. You have to decide what music, flowers, and method of disposal of the body to go with. 

Here are a few essential considerations to keep in mind when you’re planning for a loved one’s funeral.

Somber or Celebratory?

Depending on the deceased’s personality, you may opt for a somber visitation and funeral, where everyone wears black and deeply mourns their loss. Many funerals follow this custom to let the grief wash over those left behind.

However, you could also choose a celebration of the individual’s life. Consider a more upbeat atmosphere, with people telling their favorite stories about the person who has passed away. Make it okay to smile, laugh, and remember the good times that were had with the decedent.

Religious or Secular?

If your loved one was a regular churchgoer, temple attendee, or mosque member, it’s easy to choose a religious funeral; there’s no guesswork involved. And likewise, if the individual was an atheist or worshiped in the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, choosing a secular funeral is a no-brainer.

However, if the decedent was a “Christmas and Easter” Christian, a cultural Jew, or a casual Muslim, the choice between a religious or secular service becomes more difficult. You can compromise by having a service at the funeral home where different people, including a spiritual leader, speak or do readings. 

Flowers and Music?

If the deceased was an avid gardener, opting for a wide variety of flowers may be the best choice. If your loved one only liked roses, lilies, and sunflowers, you should limit arrangements to those blooms. You could also ask that in place of flowers, mourners donate to a charity the person supported, or to one that fights against whatever killed them. 

Music is also a highly personal choice. If you know your loved one was a Clapton fan, you may have someone sing “Tears in Heaven.” If the deceased was into country music, George Jones's “He Stopped Loving Her Today” or Vince Gill’s “Go Rest High on That Mountain” would be more appropriate choices.

Burial or Cremation?

In some cultures and religions, burial is the norm when someone has passed away. In others, cremation is customary. For example, Muslims, Mormons, and Orthodox Jews are prohibited from cremating remains. Buddhists, Hindus, and Sikhs are encouraged to cremate their loved ones after they have died. 

Most Christian denominations don’t have an official position one way or the other when it comes to burial and cremation. However, Presbyterians and the Eastern Orthodox church both strongly discourage cremation, believing that the body should be buried intact.

Decisions about funerals are among the most important you’ll make in your life. These decisions will honor your loved one and their time on Earth. The funeral or memorial will also leave a lasting impression with all who attend. It’s important to think about what the person would have wanted for their funeral, but it’s equally important to take into account how you want to remember the deceased. 

Whatever you choose to do, and whatever decisions you make, let them bring you peace as you mourn the loss of someone who was once so important in your life.