When arguments between children get heated, a time-out can be an effective way for parents, teachers, Sunday school leaders or others who are tasked with maintaining peace to get everyone to take a breath. Since it's often viewed as a punishment, its benefits to all parties are sometimes swept under the rug. The process has value for both children and adults, though. By removing its punitive stigma and embracing the wisdom a time-out has to offer, you gain a valuable tool for conflict management that you can use throughout your lifetime.
Recognize the Signs
The first step is understanding when a time-out is necessary. This is not an excuse to avoid uncomfortable conversations. If, however, you find your voice getting louder or are tempted to say things that are specifically designed to hurt the other person and throw him or her off guard, it may be time to take a break to cool down. A time-out is also useful if, during the conversation, you recognize that resolving the issue is going to take more time than you have at the moment. Even if you remain calm and the other person seems overly agitated, you can offer a chance to regroup and come back to the discussion later.
Communicate Your Intentions
The temptation may be to abruptly end the conversation or walk away when you are in the throes of intense emotion. However, this may leave the other person feeling ignored or devalued. If you need to take a time-out, you also need to express your intentions to do so clearly. Confirm that the relationship (and thus a resolution to the conflict between you) is important to you and that you will be back to finish the discussion.
Take the Time You Need
Some people can calm extreme emotional reactions with just ten seconds of slow, deep breathing. Most people, however, need a little more time than that. If you can take 10 to 15 minutes and come back to the conversation calm and refreshed, it's well worth the minor glitch in your schedule. Sometimes you may need a day or two to process. As long as you communicate your timeline and intentions to the other person, taking the time you need is more likely to lead to a good solution and less residual damage.
Use Healthy Processing Techniques
How you spend your time-out is just as important as taking it. If all you do is rehash the harsh things the other person said over and over in your head, you're not really honoring the spirit of taking a breather. Instead, engage in activities that help you clear your mind and process the extra energy generated by intense emotions:
- Go for a walk or run
- Meditate or pray
- Do yoga
- JournalÂ
This may not be the time to try something new. Stick to the calming methods you are most familiar with so you can soothe your anger or hurt feelings quickly. That way, you can get back to the discussion in a timely manner.
Return to the Conversation Soon
The point of setting a timeline for your discussion is to communicate that you respect and value the other person. This message goes out the window if you do not return to the conversation as you promised, though. If you aren't coming back to the discussion that day, set aside a specific time to do so. This keeps the conflict from becoming an unresolved issue that has the potential to deteriorate your relationship.
Hardly anyone actually enjoys conflict. Flaring tempers and hurt feelings are common. You don't have to settle for them being the rule, though. By giving yourself and the other person a time-out, you can reap the benefits of not struggling through an intense, emotionally charged discussion.