Imagine that you’ve been happily married for decades. You’ve had disagreements with your partner, but you worked through them to keep your relationship going. Or so you thought. One day, you discover that your spouse has thousands of dollars, a savings account, an ATM card, and a post office box you knew nothing about. Moreover, your partner has hidden these from you for over a decade. How would you feel, and what would you do? It’s called financial infidelity, and yes, it is a real thing. Some wise advice can help you understand, deal with, and prevent this all-too-common problem.
A Lie or a Choice?
Financial infidelity is a form of deception. Investopedia explains that it happens when couples aren’t honest with each other about their finances. Some partners may tell outright lies. But the deception also can involve lies of omission. Financial infidelity comes in many forms:
- Concealing debts
- Hiding assets
- Not discussing large nonessential purchases
- Lying about or concealing excessive spending
The Moneyist’s Quentin Fottrell advised one reader who discovered her husband had hidden money for 10 years. He concealed extra funds received through sales commissions and earned from recycling. That money was in a clandestine savings account, complete with an ATM card. When questioned, the reader’s husband brought up old resentments and suggested that they divorce. This is an extreme example, but it illustrates how complex financial infidelity can become.
Causes of Financial Infidelity
Deceiving one’s spouse about financial issues is a serious problem. It usually involves a less sophisticated subterfuge – hiding a credit card or underestimating consumer debt. But such a lack of accountability is a major red flag. If one partner isn’t forthcoming about finances, what else could that person be hiding?
Yet Fottrell explains that financial infidelity can point to other deeper relationship issues. Some spouses may have strong desires to exert complete control over their finances. Others may feel shame over their spending habits or inexperience with money. Financial infidelity can result from substance abuse or addictions such as shopping and gambling. Lack of faith in the relationship itself can prompt partners to hide money “just in case.” Money Crashers adds two more to the list: unvoiced resentment and extramarital affairs.
Handling the Problem
Tackling financial infidelity isn’t easy. Regardless of the cause, open and honest communication is the first step. The first conversation should take place when you’re both calm and not emotionally agitated. If you’re the guilty party, you need to admit the problem and be ready to take it seriously. If you’re the wronged party, you should collect your evidence. When approaching your partner about the issue, use concern instead of anger or accusations.
Now that the problem’s out in the open, uncovering its causes is the next step. Money and emotions are often closely tied together. If financial infidelity stems from addiction, the money spent in secret can amplify any shame your partner already feels. Income disparity between partners is another common factor. The higher-earning spouse can feel resentful for shouldering the financial burden. The lower earner may engage in what Money Crashers calls “revenge spending” to get back at the other person.
Getting professional help is critical in solving financial infidelity. You’ll probably need a couples’ counselor. Other mental health specialists should get involved if you’re dealing with addiction or emotional trauma. Rebuilding trust through accountability is also key. You and your partner should agree on financial ground rules – holding accounts jointly, agreeing not to spend without consulting each other first, and so forth.
Moving Forward Together
Financial infidelity is a major blow to any relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to recover. Understanding what’s behind the deception is critical. And once the problem’s apparent, both partners must commit themselves to the solution to help the marriage survive and grow.